Boundaries why private caregivers have such a hard time with them

Boundaries are something that many private caregivers struggle with. Why is this? Well let’s start from the beginning.

Hiring a private caregiver from a company can help you to establish boundaries and even maintain them. Hiring a neighbor, a friend or a caregiver that maybe a family used a couple of years ago who is private and not associated with any type of agency or company can lead to a quick loss of boundaries and a loss of control over the situation. Let’s look at it practically.

Mary is a wonderful lady who took care of your mother’s neighbor. The neighbor passes and Mary begins to look for work. Mary does caregiving on her own and is not part of any agency or company. As an adult child you have concerns over hiring Mary initially but you meet her or know her and she seems nice, is good with mom, has good references and can work the hours you need. So although you might be a little hesitant, you agree to let her provide the care. That is, if you get a say in it. Your parent might make his or her decisions and hire Mary because your mom knows Mary did such a great job with the neighbor.

Now how do you officially hire Mary? Is it a conversation at the house where Mary stops over and you or mom says can you come and help out 2 to 3 days a week maybe from 9 to about 11am. While your here, mom just needs a little housekeeping, laundry and a meal. Mary looks at you and says sure I can do it. You say how much did you charge the neighbor or how much are you charging? Mary says X amount per hour or week. It seems fair so you or your parent says great when can you start?

Mary shows up the first day and is sweet, compassionate and does a great job. This continues for about 2 weeks when one day you are talking to your mom or you go over to the home and you hear or see that Mary has been helping mom write checks to pay bills including a donation to Mary’s church for fundraiser they are having.

Intially this might not concern you. Mary seems trustworthy, we always like to think the best of people. She was helping mom so we kinda let it go. Next week, you find out that again Mary was helping with paying bills. Now this concerns you a little since bills were paid last week. So in a nice way you inform Mary that you are helping mom to pay bills and that Mary does not need to do that. A couple days later Mary calls mom and says she cannot come to her home today. She is sick. The next visit she is not as nice, maybe a little angry about what transpired between you and her regarding the paying of the bills. She informs your mother that her rate of pay is going up and if you would like her to continue to provide care you will have to pay it.

Over the next couple weeks you see her work such as light housekeeping get less and less. It looks like the vacuum is not being run and you are not sure if mom is getting her meals. Eventually things turn ugly and you and your mom decide that you need to let Mary go. This is not so easy though because Mary challenges you and threatens to turn you in for not paying her taxes or her medical bill for when she fell down the steps at your mom’s but never told you about it when it occurred.

The scenerio painted above might seem a little harsh but it does happen. It happens because caregivers often lose their boundaries with the people they are taking care of.

Let’s examine the above situation. Mary probably is a nice person but she has poor boundaries. She has a habit of getting overly involved with her clients often helping them with things their children have asked her not to do. She thinks she knows what is best for the client. She slowly starts to win your mom over including her trust. She can easily poison your mom’s mind with thoughts that you are only out for your own best interests and not your mom’s. Mary thinks she should be able to determine when and what mom eats and tries to manipulate mom into believing it. Many elderly people fall victim to this type of manipulation. They hire a private caregiver and treat the person like family losing the client and employee boundaries and once the boundary is loss you can’t go back. Caregivers often take advantage of this loss of boundary and begin to over step by doing things like helping with the check book, changing diets and routines of the client. Private caregivers may want to bathe the client when they first arrive even though the client wants to wait until later. The private caregiver many apply little pressure to comply, the client feels bad and will give in.

Loss of boundaries with private caregivers often happens because they have no supervisor. They can do whatever they want, whenever. Most families have nothing in writing so private caregivers can raise their prices without notice, take vacation whenever they want, not show up, apply pressure to families and manipulate the environment because they know if they leave you you have no one to take care of your loved one so you will have to give in to their demands and behaviors.

This is why I cannot stress enough why it is important to hire a company when hiring a caregiver. The company sets the boundaries, maintains and reinforces them for you and your mother. If caregiver does not do the job correctly, the company steps in and disciplines its employee. If the caregiver does not show up, the company replaces him or her. If there is an issue where the caregiver is overstepping boundaries you can report it and have the caregiver removed immediately. If the caregiver says he or she is or was injured the company addresses the issue not the family. Much stress of hiring caregiver can be relieved by going through a company not an agency. Most agencies have independent contractors and again you may be facing the same issues you would if you hired a private person. Take heed, having someone in the home to help with daily activities should be akin to having someone fix your cable or heater. The person should be professional, informative, nice, compassionate, protective and deliver a quality service. The person is not there to become the next adopted daughter or son, assist with check writing or get into family issues. Boundaries are very difficult to maintain but should always be established and maintained to keep everyone safe.